Over the last few days I’ve been down and out. And I can’t seem to pinpoint how and why which is the worst part of the healing process.
Now, to each their own in terms of how people perceive depression to be validated or not depending on one’s circumstance. Everyone battles through situations differently and nobody should be judged on how or why they feel down. We are imperfect human beings who suffer from time to time with some obviously being worse than others.
I battled depression for two years. I’ve discussed this at length on my podcast ‘High and Tight’ on Olio.fm a couple different occasions. It’s not fun. In fact, it sucks. It truly stinks.
Because for me I knew how incredibly blessed I was but I couldn’t see the forest through the trees for nearly 24 months. For a long time I never looked at it as depression but more like feeling sorry for myself. That’s immensely wrong.
Simply put, I wasn’t myself. I strived to look like someone I’m not. I strived to be people I’m not. I concerted strenuous hours on my appearance. I hated how I looked from an athlete standpoint (neck down). I obsessed over looking like a meathead. And I didn’t understand then and I don’t understand now why I was so hyperfocused on it. Maybe I thought that’s what women enjoyed or that’s the ‘gold standard’ of how you should look.
I also had the fear that if I didn’t transform my body then I’d automatically be unhealthy and would die young.
Okay, yes, I had bouts of delusion and crazy. I get it. I see the light now haha. This current ‘down period’ will swiftly move along and pass but there are just blips in time where I feel as I used to feel. Not fun but I have the grace from God and His promises to remind me how special I am regardless of what the enemy repeatedly tells me.
Moving on, I can’t explain why the last few days have been so bad. I can honestly say it may be because I’m not playing baseball. The spring and summer are such a gratifying and satisfying time for me because I’m in my element almost everyday. I’m praying that my second job (Diamond Academy) helps with the baseball hunger during the offseason.
Other than that things have been great. Looking into the mirror lately has been tough but I’m working on the confidence level. Helping out my church has been fantastically gratifying. Being involved in something greater than you or I is what we are all called to be part of. There’s no better feeling than helping and guiding others. Especially the youth. It’s special man, it’s humbling.
Just wanted to pop in with a new post about something that’s been on my mind. Sorry so short and loaded with random cliffhangers.
Prayer of the day:
Today I pray that I remain positive no matter what the day throws at me. I’ll look for the blessings behind every obstacle.