Just tired…

Photo: Onnit

I wrote a week ago or so how it’s been a terrible few weeks of fitness in 2017. That was then.
This is now.

I’m still struggling. We are in week six of our eight week cycle at Crossfit Mt. Laurel and I think my body needs a break. Not long, maybe just a week.

Not going to happen. I can’t just take a week off. I’ve tried that before and I was off, mentally and physically off. Crossfit is a total outlet and lifestyle for me. Even my fiance, Morgan, tells me how different I am when I don’t go workout. It completely changes my psyche on a day-to-day basis.

Getting back to the main part of this post, I’m tired and I’m beginning to feel it more and more each day. My strength has simply not been where I want it to be and it’s killing me. My front squat and snatch was absolutely brutal the last two weeks. Last week I PR’d my clean and jerk which meant a lot to me because my form felt ‘good.’ PR’ing over 20lbs was a big deal but not good enough.

My body hasn’t responded like I had hoped to start 2017 and I’ve heard from others that I need to take a break possibly. I don’t think that’s the overlying issue. To be quite frankly, I believe it’s doubt and a bout of low self-esteem. I’ve struggled for a long time with body image. I’ve always pictured a certain image of how I want to look. It doesn’t matter how many compliments I receive daily because I instantly shoot them down internally. 

Therein lies the underlying issue: self doubt. We can throw in self-pity too if you’re feeling frisky. Morgan despises when I, in her words, ‘talk down about the man I love.’ And she’s right. But it just consumes me. 

Of course I know who I am and who’s I am. The almighty creator of this world knitted me wonderfully and beautifully. I get that. I do. And a majority of me wants to make sure that temple He created looks and feels as best as it can be. Am I doing a tip-top job? Doubtful. It’s not easy. 

“The body is an incredible machine, but most people only get out of that machine what their mind allows them to.” – Rich Froning

I destroy myself mentally on a daily basis on numerous things: body, finances, Provider, pastor, and Protector. I work at being and controlling almost of those each day. But it’s hard work. 

The ultimate measure of a champion is not where he stands at times of comfort and convenience, but at times of challenge and adversity. I need to repeat that to myself each morning. 

I’ll admit that on numerous occasions I body shame myself because of what and who I see online or at my gym. It’s no way to live because instantaneously I’ve already psyched myself out, doubt enters the brain and I’m toast before I even put my fingers on the bar. 

I love crossfit. It’s awoken something in me that’s never been seen before. A fire that burns each time I sign up for my class. Then some nights or mornings I walk in the door and I’m just…..gone. And I refuse to accept that.  

The last few weeks are proof that the mind can control your body in every way. I don’t believe my body is tired. I think I’ve mentally hurt my strength and abilities with how I think. It has to stop. And it will.

 “Follow your dreams and work hard. There’s no replacement for hard work, and that’s true for any field. If you work at it, you’re going to see the fruits of your labor. I guarantee it.” – Colby Lopez

Rebuild. Redesign. Reclaim.